Letter to my Dad

It was very early the morning of March 1, 2008. The day before we were to leave to fly out west to celebrate everyone’s birthday. You had been sick . Bone Cancer. I knew it would be the last time we saw you. I woke and heard Erinn giggle twice in her sleep. We had fallen asleep watching a movie in my room. The phone rang and I knew. I knew you were gone. We would never have the chance to say to you all the things we wanted to say. The things we take for granted you know but should have told you just the same. You were a great dad, supportive and caring. You were a shoulder to lean on or cry on when I needed. No matter how old I was I was daddy’s girl. You never once said I told you so. You were an awesome grandfather to Erinn. In everything you did you could see how much you loved her and she adored you.

When I was younger I thought that maybe you would have preferred Paul had been the survivor. That you would have rather a son than a daughter. Mum said no. That wasn’t the case. That you were the one that went to the hospital and visited because she couldn’t become attached to yet another baby that would in all likely hood also die.

You knew how I felt about Mary. That it took everything in me to be polite for your sake. So you came to visit us. You told me she was company cause at your age and with your diabetes it wasn’t like you could “get it up”. I remember laughing when you said that. I know you cared for her though. You tried helping her financially when she had difficulty. She helped take care of you when you had your knee done. You told people she was crazy and I guess you felt a responsibility to help her as she had helped you.

You and I spoke every Sunday. I miss those phone calls and so does Erinn. Things happen and I go to pick up the phone to tell you. Then I remember you aren’t there to tell.

When Erinn woke she knew. She said you had come to her to say good bye. That she saw Lady was with you and Nanna. Funny how she knew. She had never seen a picture of mum. When she did she said “That was the lady with Grandpa and Lady.” She knew that was mum.

I know you are with us every day. Protecting and guiding us as you did when you were alive. Erinn feels you with her. Sometimes it makes her sad. She will break out in tears because she misses you. Me I cry at the silliest of things. The day I accepted the offer on your house and then the day it closed. Wicked sense of humor by the way. Offer made Friday the 13th with a closing date of April 1st. Only you would get a chuckle out of that.

People say it gets better. But this is year 2 and it seems harder than ever not to burst into tears and to hold it together.

I love you daddy and I miss you so much.