Happy Birthday Jamie

Today should have seen your family celebrating your 16th birthday. Instead there is quietness where laughter should have been. Tears where there should be smiles. Remembering past happy occasions rather than this somber one.

I hope you are looking down and seeing all the people you have affected and brought together and by doing so helped. I know you didn't think you could make a difference from this side but in your passing you have made a huge difference not only to the people who knew you but to those that only learned of you after and have got to know you through articles, your youtube video's and listening to stories shared by those that did.

Everyone misses you... xo

We Will Not Forget

This is another post I made on FB. It was written October 18th, 2011. The monday after my cousins son Jamie Hubley took his life.

Since Monday I haven't stopped crying

Today I got so angry at the use of what I feel is a very derogatory term. Was I being overly sensitive? Maybe. Are there other reasons for my anger? Yes. A dear friend of mine talked to me and asked me this question. I fell apart. I'm angry with what has happened. I feel like I have let my cousin Wendy, her husband Al, her son Josh and most importantly Jamie down. That if I had of seen or known I could have done something to prevent this. To shield him from the pain. To let him know it's ok to be different and most importantly to give him a hug. I'm suppose to be a healer.

If you read his father's statement you will see that although Jamie was gay his wasn't the reason he took his life. He suffered from depression. Caused by bullying, him accepting his sexuality and wanting to feel loved. One of the last times we saw him he seemed proud that he was gay. He talked about going to the gay pride parade and was so excited about it.

Jamie was a loving, caring boy. He wanted to help others in any way he could. He couldn't do it from this side but through those that he has left behind he will. We will. We need to fight for him. We need to speak out against Bullying. We need to stop it in it's tracks before yet another young life is taken from us. We cannot forget. We will not forget.

Teaching and Learning Responsibility

I wrote this October 5th, 2011 and blogged it on fb

I'm rather miffed.... I hear parents complaining that their child lack responsibility. I shake my head and seriously wonder.

I've taught my daughter responsibility from a very young age. To be responsible for the decisions you make and not to blame others if they don't turn out or because you made the wrong choice.... I try to guide her in the decisions and choices as well.

As some of you know The Little Witch plays hockey. House League mind you. This is a "TEAM" sport. One of the first rules before she even started this was that she try it at camp before she commit herself to a team. Because if she didn't like it there was no backing out once she was on a team. She had a "RESPONSIBILITY" to the team.

Last year we had an awesome team and only issues with 2 that the parents/child thought it was ok for their child to miss practice or a game for something other than sickness or being away. Most of the parents saw things as I did. Their daughters had a "RESPONSIBILITY" to the team to be at practice. To learn the drills. To go on to the ice and try their best and have fun as well.

Some parents are too busy themself to ensure thier child gets to practice. If that is the case I'm sure another parent wouldn't mind driving. I've done it and as a single parent had to ask someone to pick up and drop off as I couldn't take time off work. Some parents have their child in 4 different things and of course conflicts occur. You can't do this if your child is playing a Team Sport. Or if you do that Team Sport can't be the one that sufferes. Wake up people. These are the parents that are going to whine when their child gets less ice time than a child who was at all the practices. Do they not see that their child is letting the "TEAM" down and that the other team members see this?

This year it seems worse. Last practice 5 were missing. It was a Sunday afternoon at 2 pm. Lets see what tonight brings shall we.

Quick Update.

Well I'm annoyed because I just wrote a big update and when I went to save it it didn't save...So here is another... condensed version.

Summer sucked...weather was not that great and we have a bully for a new owner at the campgound. We have however found a new campsite for next year...YEAH... and look forward to that. The little Witch and I tried getting out in the little trailer whenever we could.

There is a new member to the zoo, Merlin. A little pure black stay we found about a month ago now. He is 6 months old. Golden eyes. A real mummy's boy. The girls and Lucifer weren't overly impressed but they all seem to be getting along better now....

The Little Witch tried out for competitive Hockey but unfortunately wasn't fast enough. They like what they see but she needs more speed. She did very well for a little girl who has only played for one year and I'm very proud of her.

I started a business on the side as a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant. It is slowly taking off. Even having lived here all my life I really don't know a lot of people. I have a couple of private make overs to do when we find out the hockey schedule.

The Little Witch has new braces...which is a joy doing groceries and figuring out what to eat. They don't seem to be painful but more of an annoyance when it comes to chewing.

Oh and a funny.... The Little Witch has a boyfriend.... he is a little young and quite a bit shorter...then again she is 12 and 5'7" almost 8" tall. He plays hockey and also wants to join the military... He is a real cutie. Nice, well mannered. I already knew about it for a good month before she told me. But she tells me by text. LMAO. We took him with us to see his first concert which was Katy Perry. They were very boring and didn't even hold hands.

She is semi grounded right now. know that she did not have unlimited texting in the month of August she placed and received 956 Text messages. $165 add on to the phone bill. Mummy was not impressed. She was told last night there would be consequences. This morning she was told that when she gets home she is to empty, fill and run the dish washer. Sort the laundry in the hall and put away what doesn't belong in the hall. If this is not done to my satisfaction she will loose her phone use except during the school day. Our new plans have unlimited text.

I know I keep saying I will be good and update more...and it doesn't happen but just nothing much happens

xo

Third Anniversary

I wrote this but never posted it... I think it is now time to post.

Third Anniversary

by Maureen Brill on Tuesday, March 1, 2011 at 10:34am

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of your passing. Even the knowing you are with us and protecting us does not seem to fill the void that was created by your passing. It wasn't your time. You were taken from us too soon. Helped on by someone elses illness and ignorance. All of which makes it very difficult for me to let go. I know you want me to. You do not want to see me consumed by this greif and anger. When I have called to you to help heal you have come. It is now time for me to complete the healing process. To forgive.

I have decided that this year on the anniversary of your marriage to mum I shall burry your ashes with her as you asked. Erinn and I shall celebrate your life and not your passing. We shall shed tears of joy in the time we spent with you.

We shall always miss you and think of you. You were kind and supportive. You didn't judge. Evem with all our faults I know you were proud of me and I of you. You taught me to fish, golf, use a hammer and most importantly to take care of myself. To be independent.

It is time to move on now daddy. Erinn and I will always miss you, need you, love you and will never forget you.

xo

Her father strikes again

Today we were to have Turkey for Easter. With Stuffing (home made), mashed, brussel sprouts, gravy, sweet potatoes (gag) and strawberry rhubarb pie..... Just as I was getting ready to make the stuffing the Little Witches father calls to ask her to dinner with his family. They were having German Sausages at his brother's down the street. Awesome.

We made birds nests for her to take with her. Chocolate Rice Krispies shaped into birds nests with jelly beans and peeps.

They left at 5

Not even an hour and half later he calls. He is buggering off. Leaving the Little Witch there to walk home with Opa. She was playing with her cousins.

Now this is the man who even though he lives across the street she see's very little of. Why you ask. Cause his bottle of beer and friends are more important.

She has even said to me that she is not making suggestions for them to do things. He can. She was all impressed when he called and suggested that they go down hill skiing on family day till I said that I had thought it was a great idea and that was why I had suggested it too him.

For the first year after we separated he continued to live here and sleep in the basement. I thought it would be better for her. She had just turned 5. But she saw very little of him. Then I finally told him he had to be out by the end of the year. The day he left she had a little cry asked me why. I explained that I didn't love him anymore. She wanted to know why. I told her maybe when she was older I would explain. "Try me now" was her response. I told her that rather than let his actions hurt me anymore I had stopped loving him. She said she understood and off to sleep she went. She has never cried since over him not being here.

I have explained to her that he is sick. That it has nothing to do with her and I. That until he realizes and wants help there is nothing we can do.

The following year after he moved out she had a couple of sleep overs. Once on his weekend and then when I had to go away. Every other time something came up. He had to help someone. The year after it was her turn. She made excuses. Even to saying "I have to help mummy clean". She may as well have said "I have to wash my hair". It has been like that ever since. They have on occasions gone shopping or skating. But that was only for an hour or two. Oh and I think she had a sleep over at the cottage a couple of times but cried for me so he stopped.

I have left it up to her. If she wants to spend time with him go for it. If she wants to call him go right ahead. But if he is not careful he is going to loose her more than he already has. She wants to spend time with him. To her it looks one sided. That she is the only one making the effort.

At least he calls. Not ever day. Not always sober either. She knows. She isn't stupid. She gets off the phone and says "He's been drinking" or my all time favorite "He isn't listening to me". She has even told me where he is drinking now. How she knows is beyond me.

He also pays child support... not always on time but does pay it. Still owes me for 2 Christmas's ago mind you... this Christmas I didn't even bother to tell him his half. Which reminds me he still owes her a birthday present from last year. Oh well... we can't ask for everything... I hear alcohol kills brain cells and memory.

Letter to my Dad

It was very early the morning of March 1, 2008. The day before we were to leave to fly out west to celebrate everyone’s birthday. You had been sick . Bone Cancer. I knew it would be the last time we saw you. I woke and heard Erinn giggle twice in her sleep. We had fallen asleep watching a movie in my room. The phone rang and I knew. I knew you were gone. We would never have the chance to say to you all the things we wanted to say. The things we take for granted you know but should have told you just the same. You were a great dad, supportive and caring. You were a shoulder to lean on or cry on when I needed. No matter how old I was I was daddy’s girl. You never once said I told you so. You were an awesome grandfather to Erinn. In everything you did you could see how much you loved her and she adored you.

When I was younger I thought that maybe you would have preferred Paul had been the survivor. That you would have rather a son than a daughter. Mum said no. That wasn’t the case. That you were the one that went to the hospital and visited because she couldn’t become attached to yet another baby that would in all likely hood also die.

You knew how I felt about Mary. That it took everything in me to be polite for your sake. So you came to visit us. You told me she was company cause at your age and with your diabetes it wasn’t like you could “get it up”. I remember laughing when you said that. I know you cared for her though. You tried helping her financially when she had difficulty. She helped take care of you when you had your knee done. You told people she was crazy and I guess you felt a responsibility to help her as she had helped you.

You and I spoke every Sunday. I miss those phone calls and so does Erinn. Things happen and I go to pick up the phone to tell you. Then I remember you aren’t there to tell.

When Erinn woke she knew. She said you had come to her to say good bye. That she saw Lady was with you and Nanna. Funny how she knew. She had never seen a picture of mum. When she did she said “That was the lady with Grandpa and Lady.” She knew that was mum.

I know you are with us every day. Protecting and guiding us as you did when you were alive. Erinn feels you with her. Sometimes it makes her sad. She will break out in tears because she misses you. Me I cry at the silliest of things. The day I accepted the offer on your house and then the day it closed. Wicked sense of humor by the way. Offer made Friday the 13th with a closing date of April 1st. Only you would get a chuckle out of that.

People say it gets better. But this is year 2 and it seems harder than ever not to burst into tears and to hold it together.

I love you daddy and I miss you so much.